Struggle, because it proves you're still alive.

Sleeping last night was an adventure to say the least. Wrestling with my unrelenting mind I could not find it within my power to fall asleep. A little anxious for the news I would hear today, I kept my thoughts elsewhere. Waking up more exhausted than when I went to sleep I drudged through the day, every spare moment my eyes locked to the phone waiting…

At 2:30 I got tired of waiting, I called them to check what was going on with my results. The nurse was away, I was assured she would contact me with results when she reviewed them. The suspense broke me, noting it was getting close to the end of the day at 4:00 I called again, the nurse had yet to review the information with my doctor.

At 5:03 pm, Friday, October 26^th I got the call. 

She asked me how I’m doing, knowing full well the weight, the information in her hands held, to me. Her voice dropped as I responded and she began, “the results of your lab work still show that it’s detectable.” She apologized as if she had some measure of control. So as not to needlessly inject tonight, i pushed for an answer, as my doctor agreed, I stopped treatment.
Four months after i started this..
The treatment has failed.

While I know there is a treatment in the future now, one without interferon, I must go a year without an episode. Something I've yet to be able to do, As I consistently have had bleeds since being diagnosed with Esophageal Varicies.

The future’s sky seems a little less bright, but that’s no reason to give up the fight.

I've spent the last four months putting myself through all kinds of hell, I've lost over thirty five pounds of muscle and fat on this treatment, I’m weak, and brittle. I’m tired and my eyes lose focus of elements right in front of me. The muscles in my hands shake violently when I strain them, exhausted from lack of blood. I still bleed from less desirable places, each day reminding me how ragged I've become.

But now I must rebuild, as I have done before, I must focus myself on who I am and what I want from life. For it may not be a long life, but it will be bright, joyful, and filled with love and laughter.

I would be a fool to let something as little as failure hold me back.