The beauty of the mindset you take when you live between the seconds is that you find value in such small things.
My doctor told me a while ago that I could go off the propranolol, but as jaundice shows more and more I’m cautious to stop completely. Every time I feel my throat tightening, there is a little sense of panic in my mind. Even if I've just got a sore throat or haven't had enough water that day... the memories are so vivid so etched into every facet of my being that I can't shake it. So I guzzle down water and take everything I can to ensure the sore throat goes away, but being careful to balance what I take so as not to further damage my liver. It's a thin wire I walk upon; the idea of decompensating just doesn't have the same buzz it used to.
and now back to my original thought…
Today I was sick, some stupid nonsense I got from Papa G and Easy Mac... Those are friends, not food. Also not fish. I took everything I could, but my mind was more in shambles than anything else. It's like when you think about the emptiness, the void the nothing that can exist, how small our plights are, that futility. You get trapped in the spiral, and for me, when I’m sick it exacerbates the issue. So in my zombie like state between naps I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned. Because the principle of setting my mind right, setting my frame of the world in order is a process. Start with a step in the right direction, so I organized and I restructured, reorganized and I cleaned, and when I finished I saw that sense of accomplishment, that something small sets the level and brought back the focus to put my frame back in perspective.
That yes, small as these actions are they are my actions, my slow, insignificant attempt to remind the universe that I will set the pace for how I do things. That I have my objectives in mind and hurdles be damned... I will live with joy and hope, in those seconds, those beautiful irrelevant tiny fractions... for the beauty is in their brevity.
On another positive note signups for next year's Liver Life Walk start soon, if memory serves me correctly it will be next month some time. Please keep an eye out for my posts to sign up/donate or just send overall words of encouragement.
2014: We will have matching shirts this time, everyone else looked super cool, and I was just lost.
Also because I dressed up as Waldo.
Also we actually got lost.
Also baby giraffes... are... hilarious.