Friday, September 8, 2017
In 2011 I noticed a familiar feeling in my throat and a lightheadedness that comes from anemia.
We rushed to the ER. A line of people sat waiting while I turned pale on one of the few remaining chairs. My brows furrowed and struggled to hold back something deep in my stomach. "I need a bowl" I asked the nurse at the front. She would regret the speed at which she retrieved it. Moments later bowl in hand I began to projectile vomit all over the ER. a steady stream of red blood bounced into the bowl and onto the floor.
Suddenly I wasn't in line anymore.
I would proceed to lose more and more blood over the next few days as they fit me for a 16 gauge to transfuse some B+ blood. I had little idea how close to death I was. The upper endoscopy allowed them to tie off the multiple bleeding varices and days later I would have to end my third treatment. It was my second brush with death. My mother had always hoped that my experiences might bring me closer to God.
My uncle being a Reverend, Priest and Monk she thought that maybe I would be involved some way with the faith. But no matter how close I came to death, no matter what miracles, coincidences or events would occur, my faith wouldn't change.
To others with HCV, to my fellow dragonslayers,
When we are faced with our mortality we can choose to see things as they are. To abandon our perception, as best we can. For some that comes through faith. But it doesn't matter how you find it, it's the same understanding.
We are small, that the collective whole of us will always determine our fate. But it is that humility that allows us to grow. Because when we see ourselves as the very small things we are, we can seek the largeness of joining others. With others we can become truly larger than life. Faith provides us with a map to humility and strength through restraint. Some of us prefer to wander and blaze our own paths.
If you find yourself questioning your faith, it's nothing to worry. We're all still in the same place, find the path that helps you.
Do not burden yourself with the worry of abandoning your Creator, or adopting a new faith. Some may view this as a test of faith, others as proof there is no God.
They can't both be wrong, but they can both be right. Whatever conclusion you come to, the thing that matters is that you have a dragon to fight. And it demands your attention.
So take the shield that friends and family can offer, the sword from your doctor, and what courage you have and fight. Hope is for those who cannot fight themselves. You can, and you must.