This will probably be my most personal blog to date.
I have been lost in exploration lately.
Rather, I should say I wander, not simply that I am lost.
This blog has been an unforeseen gift to me, allowing me to look back at my thoughts years ago, and understand where I've come from. To better understand my mistakes, and to live better than I have. I have learned to strengthen the bonds near me, and now I should seek the same connection with others. I value every bond I share, and if I am to truly know myself I must share more personal moments with friends.
If I have not extended a hand to you yet, I implore you to seek me out. Because I appreciate you as a friend and I want to experience something you truly love with you. A place or thing that represents who you are, your happy place, if you will.
In the same spirit, I have a few weeks remaining on my Disneyland pass, (basically the 15th of December), and I want to share my happy place with you. So that I may know and experience my favorite place with you. I realize I may never go again after this. There are a lot of factors involved with this reality, the price increase is part of it, but there is another hurdle.
For the last 4 years, I have had a steadily rising cumulative probably of death. To say I'm beating the odds isn't entirely true, I'm simply very fortunate. As I presently stand, without any treatment my probability of death reaches about 94% by this time next year.
I have been lost in exploration lately.
Rather, I should say I wander, not simply that I am lost.
This blog has been an unforeseen gift to me, allowing me to look back at my thoughts years ago, and understand where I've come from. To better understand my mistakes, and to live better than I have. I have learned to strengthen the bonds near me, and now I should seek the same connection with others. I value every bond I share, and if I am to truly know myself I must share more personal moments with friends.
If I have not extended a hand to you yet, I implore you to seek me out. Because I appreciate you as a friend and I want to experience something you truly love with you. A place or thing that represents who you are, your happy place, if you will.
In the same spirit, I have a few weeks remaining on my Disneyland pass, (basically the 15th of December), and I want to share my happy place with you. So that I may know and experience my favorite place with you. I realize I may never go again after this. There are a lot of factors involved with this reality, the price increase is part of it, but there is another hurdle.
For the last 4 years, I have had a steadily rising cumulative probably of death. To say I'm beating the odds isn't entirely true, I'm simply very fortunate. As I presently stand, without any treatment my probability of death reaches about 94% by this time next year.
Including the odds of a successful treatment my outlook improves dramatically. Even if the treatment fails it could extend my gambling habit for another two years, as previous treatments have extended my stay. There's a lot I cannot account for but with the odds I can see, there is about a 9% chance that I become terminally ill this next year and will not make it past 2017. It is something I have taken months to really accept, but I have to learn to let go, and accept what I cannot change. I would rather focus on the hope of success, but I cannot ignore the parts I dislike, I must understand them, and accept them.
This isn't some weird dying request or whatever, the odds of me living and getting cured are pretty great as far as I'm concerned. I simply have reached a point in my life, where I cannot abide weak bonds. If I am to grow, I must humble myself to learn from and better understand every soul around me.
On another incredibly personal subject, I am a Deistic Religious Scientist. And the last few months have affected me deeply on a spiritual level. I don't talk about my faith, mostly because there isn't a lot to talk about. Religion has always fascinated me, the tenants, mysteries and what amounts to articles of faith. My faith compels me to understand all forms of belief, and to understand my friends through their faith. It's an aspect of my faith I regrettably stopped paying attention to after my first treatment.
I will also take a small bit of time to explain my faith, so that you may know me better. Most people do not know of either aspect of my faith, since they are incredibly obscure and I so rarely talk about them.
This isn't some weird dying request or whatever, the odds of me living and getting cured are pretty great as far as I'm concerned. I simply have reached a point in my life, where I cannot abide weak bonds. If I am to grow, I must humble myself to learn from and better understand every soul around me.
On another incredibly personal subject, I am a Deistic Religious Scientist. And the last few months have affected me deeply on a spiritual level. I don't talk about my faith, mostly because there isn't a lot to talk about. Religion has always fascinated me, the tenants, mysteries and what amounts to articles of faith. My faith compels me to understand all forms of belief, and to understand my friends through their faith. It's an aspect of my faith I regrettably stopped paying attention to after my first treatment.
I will also take a small bit of time to explain my faith, so that you may know me better. Most people do not know of either aspect of my faith, since they are incredibly obscure and I so rarely talk about them.
In essence it is a "belief" in a unity of all things through God. That God is within everything and everything is God's will. Good is infinite and an inherent quality that can be understood and accomplished with prayer, meditation, and/or acceptance. There is a universal harmony, a balance, that every moment is complete and perfect within itself and the law of cause and effect is always in motion. That immortality is achieved through our very existence, because life moves in perpetuity. I believe in the mystic concept of a Cosmic Christ, not a person, rather a universal presence, an image of God present in all creation. That it is a God-like consciousness that was and is present in all Prophets and enlightened people who use this in a positive evolution of society, mankind and/or personally.
As a Deist, I find the form of religious science to be my truth. I am compelled to understand the bonds of faith that exist within my friends, so that I may better understand them and my own faith.
As a Deist, I find validity and wonder within all forms of faith. Because the core understanding within Deism is simply a belief in God, the personal relationship of a religion is up to the Deist as an individual.
It is ever present in my life, I don't usually talk about it because I'm actually always talking about it. It is my way of life. I do not invoke the name of God when it's implied so frequently. As a gesture of gratitude to my faith, the symbol of my will bears resemblance to the symbol of Religious Science.
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| Left: Symbol of unity from Religious Science. Right: V of Acceptance and Struggle: HCVME |
HCVME is the manifestation of my will to become more than I am, to better connect with others and to be open about my challenges so that I may better understand theirs. So that through the power of empathy and perspective we can overcome the social hurdles that face Invisible Disabilities.
The name HC<ME (HCVME) is also intended to evoke the iconic HE>i, which is a shorthand for John 3:30 "He must become greater and greater. I must become less and less." But instead flipping the idea on its head implying 1 John 5:4 "Because everyone who is born from God conquers the universe; and this is the victory that conquers the universe - our faith."
If you are a new friend, or someone I've yet to meet Email me: Canythingbutaverage@gmail.com
And of course, if you need to talk to someone about Hepatitis C(HCV) and you're not sure where to turn I'll do everything I can to help.
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